Have you ever felt separted from God? Have you ever felt so broken that you couldn't breath? It's in some of life's hardest moments that we realize that we need something. It's in those moments we seem to seek out God. But what if you can't do that... what if you simply can't get the strength or the courage to seek out Jesus. You're life has been turned upside down and your everything has been taken away.

In these moments of life we usually don't realize we have stepped away from God's presence until we've messed some things up. It's in these moments we are blinded. We can't hear the voices near us try and help us. It's in these darkness days that we simply can't see the light. What do we do when we wake up and realize we are in the dark and we've hurt lots of people and relationships around us? What do we do? How do we step back into the presence of God again? Or do we really want to? Or know how?

C. S. Lewis wrote in "Grief Observed"... “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.”

I've felt this! I mean I've felt this very sensation. I've had that invisible blanket between me and world and it rocked me to the core. Everything was affected. My family. My church. My preaching. My life. My health... EVERYTHING! It sent me into a tailspin. I couldn't get out of it. I couldn't see through it. I hurt so many people trying to deal with my own grief, but I didn't know how to get out of it.

Have you been there? Are you there?

As a Pastor, you are supposed to be there for everyone in their moments of grief and pain and heartache... but what happens to you when you can't give what they need or want? I know that there are some people still today who think I'm a horrible preacher, I'm terrible at my job, I'm a cold hearted man - a fake. I know there are some who think to their core I didn't care for them, I didn't see them, I didn't spend time with them and I wasn't doing what I should do as I pastor.

I actually had a person tell me that becasue I didn't act like a pastor at a funeral (soon after loosing my mom and father-in-law) that's why they stopped coming to my church. I'm not trying to get you to feel sorry for me. I'm simply painting a picture - a very real picture of life that we all my have to face at some point.

I've wanted to tell that person, I'm sorry... I wanted to explain to them I was trying to deal with my own grief and I just couldn't see what I was doing to those around me. Grief can cause a lot of problems... it can create canyons between people and it can break down relationships - it's devastating. It wasn't until I took the time to understand the fear surrounding my own grief, that I began to understand what being in God's presence was really all about. As Lewis said, "Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in."

1. God Invites Us Into Intentional Presence

In Jeremiah 29:13 (New Living Translation) the writer states an important truth about our relationship with God: "If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me."

God doesn't hide from us—but He also doesn't force intimacy. The promise of His presence comes when we intentionally seek Him. He honors wholehearted pursuit and I think the intentionallity is the hardest. We may say with our mouth that we want to lean in close to Jesus, but with everything else (our actions, our thoughts, our decisions, etc) we don't really move close with intention.

Is my heart fragmented in a thousand directions, or am I seeking Him with my whole heart?

This is a good question to start thinking about. Are you so hurt that you can't even move in God's direction? It may feel that way, but you're not. There is always a way back home. Jesus is always willing and ready to help you back into the presence of the Father.

2. Jesus Modeled Intentional Presence

We read this about Jesus in Mark 1:35 (New Living Translation); "Before daybreak the next morning, Jesus got up and went out to an isolated place to pray."

I'm not an early morning guy and I've often thought I'll get up and pray like Jesus. I don't! I don't like the mornings at least early in the mornings. But that's not what we should focus on here. The fact is that Jesus moved away from the distractions and away from the things in his life that would take is focus. So Jesus got up early before everyone else and spent some time with His Father in prayer.

Even Jesus—the Son of God—stepped away from the noise, the needs, and the busyness to be intentionally alone with the Father. If He needed it, how much more do we? I know I need it.

So here's the rub. Imagine trying to have a deep conversation with a friend in a crowded, noisy coffee shop or trying to have a refreshing conversation in the midst of rush hour—your heart won't be in it. You won't have the focus needed to refresh and sit in the presence. This is what Jesus modeled and this is the hard part.

You see, in our grief and our guilt and our go go go mentality we simply don't make the time to listen. Why? Becasue we don't want to hear the answer. In my grief - did I hurt people? Yes! Did I do it intentionally? No! But the hurt is just as real. Both for them and for me.

For you and I to begin healing we need to acknowledge our brokenness. We need to come face to face with our junk and our own hurts and hangups. The problem is that deep down we don't want to do it and the truth is that some of us, right now, don't have the capacity to do it. It's going to take time - so make the time. Jesus left the noise to get clarity from the Father. So must we.

3. God’s Presence is a Dwelling Place, Not a Drive-Thru

In Psalm 27:4, David doesn’t want a momentary glimpse of God—he longs to dwell with God. To stay. To remain. Presence is about more than access—it’s about abiding. It's about time spent in the midst of God's beautiful grace and compassion and understanding. When I'm broken I don't always think God wants to be near me and I'm not sure I want to be near God. However, when we do begin to spend time with Him and sit for awhile we realize that God's not that bad. He's actually the best thing for us.

David wanted to "gaze" on the Lord and he needed to take the time to "dwell" - to take up the space, not just pass through it. I question I had to ask myself: "Am I treating God like a home to dwell in—or a convenience store I visit when I need something?"

4. The Holy Spirit Makes Presence Constant—But Still Requires Intention

2 Corinthians 13:14 New Living Translation: "May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all." The Holy Spirit isn’t just power—He’s a Person. And He invites us into fellowship, which means ongoing, intentional communion. Not occasional check-ins.

In Romans 12, Paul tells us: "So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering.”

Presence is not just about carving out a "quiet time"—it’s about giving God all of life. Intentional presence means He gets your whole schedule, not just your Sunday morning. When we are in the midst of our grief and trauma we can't see the other side and we need others to help us through.

God's knows this and that's why He sent His, Holy Spirit, to us when we begin to follow Jesus. God wants us to spend time with Him. God wants us to heal and understand that even though we feel a million miles away - He hasn't moved. He's not mad. He's not afraid of our hurt. He's not going to push us out becasue we can't seem to do what is right. Everything in life can fall away - but God remains.

It was in the midst of getting rid of the backpacks full of guilt over my grief that I began to understand that it wasn't God that pilled it on me - it was me! I needed to spend time just breathing. I needed to spend time healing. I needed to spend time with Him and I didn't do it.

I rushed right back into ministry. I rushed right back into the grind. I listened to the voices of hurting people who hurt people and I followed in their footsteps - I hurt people.

What is needed most is that you and I acknowledge that we need time and we need to take the time to heal and be healed. If you are right now feeling separated from God and you don't know what to do next... well you're not alone... BUT... THIS WEEK... Offer your “ordinary” each day—your commute, your waiting in the car rider line, your time spent waiting for your kids practice to be over, your workouts, your meetings, your yard work, your back porch sittin', all of your "ordinary"—and turn them into moments of worship as you begin your way back home.

Final Thought

Intentional presence with God is about choosing to notice, to pause, and to prioritize His nearness over the noise. It’s not that He’s far—it’s that we often don’t make space. We don't always feel ready to heal. We don't always know what to do next. Our next breath may very well like "fear"! But hold on - you are not on this path alone.

My Nanny Bonnie had this in her Bible... I'll leave it with you...

I have in my hands two boxes,

Which God gave me to hold.

He said, 'Put all your sorrows in the black box,

And all your joys in the gold.'

I heeded His words, and in the two boxes,

Both my joys and sorrows I stored,

But though the gold became heavier each day,

The black was as light as before.

With curiosity, I opened the black,

I wanted to find out why,

And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole,

Which my sorrows had fallen out by.

I showed the hole to God, and mused,

'I wonder where my sorrows could be! '

He smiled a gentle smile and said,

'My child, they're all here with me..'

I asked God, why He gave me the boxes,

Why the gold and the black with the hole?

'My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,

The black is for you to let go.'

Friends, may we begin this intentional life in the presence of God by letting go of what has hurt us, broken us, wounded us, offended us and let us begin to grasp on to the one who heals us, restores us, forgives us and walks with us - He might even "carry us" when we are not even aware of it. May God always be with you and may we in our "ordinary life" take the time to spend it with the one who loves us more than we will ever know.

P.S... To those of you that I've hurt, offended and caused grief - I'm truly sorry and I pray that you can forgive me as I was grieving too.

MJC